If I Die Tomorrow
I don't mean for this blog to be grim. I mean for it to be just the opposite. This may seem like an affirmation of the inevitable and lack of control we have over many things in this world, but may this be my way of taking back control--a preemptive strike through publishing my life reflections and fond memories.
I am 24 years old.
I live in The Big Apple.
I am in love.
I have big dreams for my life.
I am grateful to be alive.
And, I must confess, that I am afraid to die ...
but, I don't think I'm alone on this.
-
Love life♥
I used to pride myself in not having an inhibiting phobia that got in the way of experiencing life until I finally realized what mine was. Like other phobias, I’m sure I’m not alone. I don’t know if it can be singly labeled as “doctor phobia” because it’s not so much that I fear doctors. No, it’s more that I fear things that are out of my control, knowledge or expertise—which, in my case, seems to be my health. For someone who does well controlling controllable things in her life (e.g., grades in school), it makes sense that her greatest fear is losing control.
I’m not sick. I don’t have a serious, life-threatening illness. But I worry. I worry that there is something wrong with me, but it hasn’t made itself known yet. It’s the little things that I turn into big things. The tiny brown mole just below my armpit. The side of my head that always pounds when I get a migraine. The migraine. Pain during sex. Pain after sex. An unusual cough. And now, today, a little blood in my (apparently abnormal) stool (sorry if that’s graphic).
When it comes to my general health, I feel like minor health issues never stop arising. I face my fear, go to the doctor, get treated, and recover, but something new always seems to come up. I just got over a week-long cough (went to FirstMed) and now I’m concerned with my bowels.
Call me a worrywart. Call me paranoid. But maybe I’m just a believer in “bad things happen to good people.” Life is going so great. I am almost done with school. I am so much in love. I have plans to be married. I have plans to travel the world. I am prepared and ready to be a good teacher. I’m so thankful for all this, but I can’t help but feel fear. When I finally feel like my life is beginning, I so desperately don’t want it to end. And the one thing that haunts me, that I know can come between me and the rest of my life is a health problem. I know and plan to see a doctor within the next week or two, but can you blame me for being scared of receiving bad news? Bad things are known to happen to good, innocent people, and life is known to be unfair. For me, it’s hard, sometimes, not to worry, to think positively, and to believe that everything is going to be okay.
